My Experience with an Unjust Court System

Over the past few months, I’ve heard the same frustrating comment from people, and I still don’t know whether to take it as a compliment or not: “You seem to be coping so well,” “You don’t look like what you’re going through.” What many don’t realize is that appearances can be deceiving, especially when the system that’s supposed to protect you fails to understand the full scope of abuse.

After my recent court hearing, I walked away with a harsh truth: many judges lack the understanding of how mental illness is connected to spousal abuse. To them, the only indicators of a bad living situation or domestic abuse seem to be the visible ones—bruises, cuts, looking disheveled, smoking, drinking, or being unkempt. But abuse doesn’t always leave visible scars. There are many forms of abuse that go unseen and unaddressed, causing deep, lasting damage.

Financial abuse, verbal abuse, threats of infidelity or abandonment, withholding necessary resources, physically restricting someone’s movement, preventing them from seeking help, attempting to destroy their means of communication, and even controlling access to transportation are all real forms of abuse. These are just as harmful as physical violence, yet they’re often dismissed in the eyes of the court.

When my petition for protection was denied, my lawyer stood in front of me and explained why: I “didn’t look the part.” According to the court, I was “too intelligent,” my answers were “too thought-out and well-structured,” and I appeared “too composed” to be in real distress. It was as if being articulate and calm somehow invalidated my experience of abuse. The idea that I was denied protection for myself and my children because I didn’t fit their narrow image of a victim is both infuriating and heartbreaking.

Here’s what I want everyone to understand: abuse doesn’t have a look. Just because someone seems well put-together on the outside doesn’t mean they’re doing okay on the inside. Abusers are often very good at making sure their victims appear “fine” to the world, all while quietly eroding their sense of safety and self-worth behind closed doors. You can be intelligent, well-spoken, and even look “coping well,” yet still be experiencing profound suffering.

It’s impossible to truly prepare for something as traumatizing as facing your abuser in court. No amount of poise or composure should disqualify someone from receiving protection. Abuse comes in many forms, and the absence of visible wounds doesn’t mean there aren’t deep emotional and psychological scars.

If you’re going through a similar situation, know that your pain is real, regardless of how others perceive it. The fact that you’re functioning doesn’t mean you’re not hurting. It’s time for society—and our legal system—to recognize that abuse is complex and doesn’t always show up in obvious ways. No one should have to “look the part” to be believed or protected.

Let’s push for a better understanding of abuse in all its forms. Because everyone deserves safety, respect, and protection—no matter what they look like on the outside. #abuse #divorce #marriage #relastionships #domesticviolenceawareness #abusesurvivor