What I’ve learned in my 13 year marriage
If you’ve read my other posts you already know that I’m 36, I’ve been with my husband for 20 years and have been married for 13.
You can imagine how many memories we have created and the countless mistakes we have made. We watched each other evolve from teenagers to full-on adults. We basically grew up together.
I know that there’s a lot of information out there. But I’m here to genuinely share my experiences, my faults, my learned lessons and all the tips I can think of. So that hopefully it will save you some (not all) heartbreaks and heartaches.
Here’s what I’ve learned so far.
1.YOULL NEVER STOP LEARNING - so always check-in with each other and ask questions.
2.BECOME 1 IN ALL WAYS - When we got married, we truly believed that we become ONE in ALL ways.
What that looks in everyday situations is:
•We combined our income, his money is my money and vice versa. It doesn’t matter who makes more, we now have shared income, to support each other and have financial security.
•We have mutual friends
•We share phone passcodes
There shouldn’t be anything that you can’t tell your partner or have them involved in.
3.IT WILL NEVER BE PERFECT - there’s a reason God allows us to go through the hard times. We may not realize why in that moment. But one day, months or even years from now, there will be someone you come across that will be going the same thing you did. And you will realized this is why you went thought such a difficult time; to relate, encourage, show compassion and give hope to that person.
4.LOVE IS A CHOICE NOT A FEELING - there have been so many times in the past, that I just did not want to show love towards my husband because of how upset he made me. But I still made the choice to show him love.
Here’s what that looks like:
After arguing ALL DAY, I still walked into his home office and asked him if he was hungry so that I can make him something to eat. I still ironed his clothes for work the next day. I still kissed him goodnight when we went to bed, even though I was still upset.
5.MAKE ROOM FOR CHANGE - at the beginning of our marriage we both wanted kids. But as time went on, it just never happened for us and my want for kids just faded away. For some, that would be a non-negotiable. But I’m allowed to change my mind, not everything is set in stone.
Thankfully my husband was understanding, he allowed room for change and accepted the fact that we may not have kids. He chose to be happy regardless of our circumstances.
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After years in a long-term partnership, I've come to see that the journey of marriage is a profound exploration of connection and purpose. While the initial sparks are wonderful, it's the daily commitment and understanding that truly build a lasting home for love. My own 13-year journey has taught me invaluable lessons about what it takes to thrive together. When considering intimacy after marriage, especially from different perspectives, it's clear that communication is paramount. It’s not just about talking, but truly listening and checking in with each other, as I've learned through my own experiences. Intimacy isn't a static state; it evolves. What might have felt deeply connected early on can shift over time. For many, navigating the stressors of adult life – careers, family, personal growth – can unintentionally create distance. Building a truly intimate bond means consciously making space to understand each other's emotional landscapes. This includes appreciating that a partner might express love or seek connection in ways that differ from our own. Sometimes, a shared activity, a gesture of support, or simply acknowledging efforts can be just as crucial as verbal affirmations in fostering closeness. It's about recognizing and validating each other's unique needs and expressions of affection. From my personal experience, ensuring there’s nothing you can't tell your partner is key to nurturing that deep trust that allows vulnerability to flourish. This trust creates a safe space where both partners can share their true selves, including fears, desires, and even insecurities, which is essential for emotional intimacy. The deeper purpose of marriage, I've found, extends far beyond initial expectations. It’s a dynamic process of becoming one, not just in shared finances or friends, but in a shared vision for life. It's about growing together through every season, constantly learning and adapting. This commitment means accepting that it will never be perfect, and indeed, that the imperfections and challenges often serve a greater purpose. These hard times, though difficult in the moment, forge resilience and empathy, strengthening the foundation of the relationship. I've seen firsthand how overcoming obstacles together can bring you closer than ever. Choosing love, even when things are tough, isn't just a romantic ideal; it's a powerful act of conscious commitment that reaffirms the bond. It’s about being a steadfast presence, providing comfort and support, and continually making room for change as individuals and as a couple. Just as my own desires evolved, our partnership adapted, showing me that flexibility is a cornerstone of long-term happiness. The true purpose unfolds as we navigate life's complexities side by side, creating a shared story, a legacy of mutual support, and a profound sense of belonging that enriches both lives. It's about building a sanctuary where both partners can thrive, knowing they are deeply understood and unconditionally loved, and continuously working towards shared goals and dreams, whatever they may become.
What I learnt: Don’t fight, she will win anyway 😂