Why I Haven't Been Posting: Learning Vulnerability
Hey, yall! Firstly, I just wanna say this is not intended to be a "feel bad for me" post or anything like that. My only intentions are for #1 encourage myself to be more vulnerable and stop bottling everything, #2 to hopefully help someone else feel less alone, and #3 to show the real and raw side of social media, you wouldn't know from any of my other posts I'm not a totally happy person and it's important not to be fake with yall<3
also sorry for typos and stuff I didn't proof read more than a skim through lol
Anyways, firstly, how are all of you, if anyone needs prayers, support, or to vent you cna comment or message me. I'm here for yall, no matter what I'm dealing with, cause community is healing for everyone involved.
Also ⚠️TW⚠️ I'm gonna talk a bit about personal experiences with family and childhood trauma, depression, anxiety, and sh (nothing overly detailed tho and mainly in the backstory)
As I mentioned on the 3rd slide, I've been struggling with my mental health. This isn't something new to me, and in fact it's not even the worse I've been. (Backstory at the bottom after hashtags) But this times different. I was doing so well for so long, I'd had urges to sh a lot this year and only gave in twice. My family seemed to be getting a bit better (not my dad tho), my mom and I were starting to rebuild our relationship that's been striated for so long. I'm figuring out my friendships, and then my mom and I got in a huge fight. That sounds so stupid but I'd already been in a relatively big "wave" of hurt. The panic attacks are back to being daily and that hevay heart, empty feeling with a twinge of pain with evey breath came back, its partially seasonal, its partially just becasue thats my life yk? She just started screaming at me over my once again messy room that my friend and I had just cleaned days prior. Her words hurt me so much and they're all things she's said before. Just saying eveything i dow rong and how worthless I am how im disappointing. I truly don't understand why they cut so deep but they did. I think it's more the fact tho that I had a panic attack as she yelled and could not breathe, and it didn't affect her at all. How can you look at someone, let alone your child, and keep yelling at them when that's what's hurting them so deeply. That night I sh again. Nothing too bad, just enough to refresh the scars and bleed. They had been fading, and them fading scares me anyways, so I just went over them. It didn't help tho. It's always helped, and it didn't this time. I'm just at such a low rn, and honestly I want to do it again but the look in my bf's eyes when I told him made me so sad to see that I made him sad for me. I don't want to hurt him more. I'll be ok tho. I always am, that's the whole thing with depression, it comes in waves, sometimes it's ripples, and sometimes it's the waves that killed Elsa and Anna's parents 😂😅 I love yall, and so does Jesus
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#vulnerable #MentalHealth #Diary #safespace #jesuslovesyou
BACKSTORY:
This battle started a long time ago in elementary school. It's rooted in family issues, and how people treated me. I started having panic attacks in 5th grade after all. But I was doing pretty good up until around 8th grade or when I was 13ish. My dad had truly turned into a person I feared and his drinking became a real issue at this point. This is also when I remember my parents marriage starting to fall apart. I started having PA daily and fell into a major depressive state. This is also when my mom was diagnosed with breath cancer. With everything happening, I started to sh, I had "experimented" before but never truly "NEEDED" to do it. It became a habit, I begged my mom to take me to a counselor cause I was struggling but wouldn't tell me why, after enough breakdowns they finally took me to their relationship counselor David. He was an older man, prob 60s, and SUCKED, he just kept asking me what was wrong and allowed my parents to be in the room. For an hour and a half I sat there between them all sobbing and shaking out of anxiety and I left there with a "BIG Book of Words." From that Point on I swore to never talk about my emotions with my parents and I havent since. My sh really became a problem then and ik at least my mom saw the cuts but she said nor did anything. That February I would go on to get to know a couple girls a year younger than me and my bsf at our youth group winter camp. We ended up bonding and talking about mental health and our families. I later found out both those girls sh too. We learned to talk to eachother about it and coped together. I live them to this day and I'm so glad we've stuck together. To my knowledge they've all stopped, but I don't truly know. We just stopped talking about that stuff once we all got to better places. Anyways, off and on I've gone in and out of depression, my parents have divided more than ever, they truly should get divorced but my mom can't leave him or we'd lose our house and that's not an option. He's hurt her, not just emotionally and I hate him for it. But I also still love him, he's my dad. I used to be such a daddy's girl and now his presence triggers me and terrifies me but I still love him. I don't understand it. Anyways, my mom is ok now, she's in remission, has been for a year. My dad who used to be gone a week or two at a time for work (pilot) retired tho which is killing us but we'll get through it.
In today's fast-paced world, vulnerability is often seen as a weakness, but it's actually a powerful strength. Sharing our experiences, especially those related to mental health, can foster a sense of community and support. Research shows that opening up about our struggles not only helps us heal but also encourages others to share their stories. This interconnectedness is vital, as it creates safe spaces where individuals feel heard and understood. Many people face challenges like anxiety and depression, often stemming from personal or family issues, which can feel isolating. However, by discussing these topics openly, we can contribute to breaking down the stigma associated with mental health and encourage a more compassionate dialogue. If you're feeling overwhelmed, remember that seeking help is a sign of strength. Resources such as therapy, support groups, and community forums can provide the support needed to navigate these tough times. Let's continue to uplift one another and create spaces where vulnerability is not only accepted but celebrated.
