Have you heard the saying, “you TEACH people how to treat you?”
The way someone treats you is about them…their pain, their beliefs, their limits.
But what you tolerate? That’s often shaped by what you’ve learned to normalize.
If you grew up in chaos, control, or chronic disconnection, your nervous system was wired to keep the peace at any cost.
Bessel van der Kolk calls this a survival adaptation: our bodies learn to stay small to stay safe.
Dr. Gabor Maté explains that children will choose attachment over authenticity every time because survival depends on it.
This means you might:
• Mistake disrespect for love.
• Confuse peacekeeping with worthiness.
• Stay because you were never taught that boundaries aren’t cruelty, they’re a form of self respect and love.
It’s not weakness.
It’s conditioning.
And what’s been conditioned can be unlearned.
The work of healing isn’t just about spotting toxic patterns.
It’s about building the capacity to hold the discomfort of saying “no,” to feel safe even when someone disapproves, and to believe that protecting yourself doesn’t make you unlovable.
If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. I’m working on a book that goes further into my story and what I’ve learned in my own healing journey. The Lantern in My Bones is coming soon.
The way people treat you is often a reflection of their own inner struggles and limitations. However, the way you tolerate behavior is deeply influenced by your experiences and what you have normalized. As highlighted by the quote "The way people treat you is a reflection of them. The way you tolerate it is a reflection of you," this important dynamic underscores the role personal history plays in setting boundaries. Experts like Bessel van der Kolk have studied how trauma and adverse childhood experiences rewire the nervous system for survival, often leading individuals to 'stay small' to avoid conflict or danger. This survival adaptation can cause adults to accept toxic behavior because their nervous system is trained to prioritize safety over authenticity. Similarly, Dr. Gabor Maté explains that children often choose attachment over authenticity because bonding is critical for survival. This can create lifelong patterns where people mistake disrespect for love or confuse keeping peace with maintaining self-worth, resulting in difficulty setting healthy boundaries. Healing from these conditioned responses requires more than recognizing toxic dynamics—it demands building resilience to discomfort, learning to say “no,” and understanding that protecting oneself is an act of love, not cruelty. With proper support and self-awareness, people can unlearn harmful conditioning and create healthier relationships with others and themselves. The concept of boundaries is fundamental to mental and emotional well-being. Healthy boundaries promote respect, consent, and self-care. They empower individuals to cultivate relationships that honor their needs without fear of disapproval or rejection. For those embarking on this healing journey, know that it is a courageous process of reclaiming your worth and rewriting your story. Resources, including forthcoming works like "The Lantern in My Bones," can provide guidance and inspiration as you deepen your understanding of how to cultivate self-respect and emotional safety.