Signs someone is emotionally unavailable 🤔🤔

heluu zesties 🍋

hope yall are doing well~

Writing this post for myself and for yall. The last three doods I dated all were emotionally unavailable to some extent and usually they don’t know that they are ,-, They would say they want a relationship but emotional depth triggers them and I had to find that out the hard way, SOO I’m writing these signs for things to look out for, especially in the dating app context.

Its so difficult to tell nowadays tbh and as a girl I can only tell other girlies to focus on yourself, don’t do things for guys, the ones that are interested will show you that they are through their actions - CONSISTENTLY. I think dating got harder these 2 years compared to when I first started hahha, or maybe i just tired of bullshit so there’s a lot more things that I look out for.

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Writing these with context from 3 guys and a mini dating life update:

🤡Guy A - The 3 months ex I wrote about from Nov last year - Dating report 9

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🤡 Guy B - I never told yall about him but we went out for one month, our chats were great but he basically said I was a mess emotionally and didn’t wanna date me - but tbh we were both just sharing about our past traumas and I guess I triggered him somehow - he’s a super logical dood that logicalise emotions - and healing to him means not feeling anything about past experiences anymore.

But I’m petty af and emotional lah so he don’t align with that. If I’m not this way how can I be a creative and make art from my pain haahaha.

He just changed within one week though which I thought was crazy, going from loving and sweet to i dun like the way you react to certain things.

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🤡 Guy C - The nice guy - I don't know if he's completely emotionally unavailable. Our connection felt surface level though hmm I don't think we fully connected because he kept doing gestures that is nice on paper but I felt like he wasn't really being himself and I couldn't get to know the real him.

Something just felt off with him like our soul did not align - and the ugly parts did come up when I rejected him after we went out for 2 months - but I can understand why because it could seem like I was leading him on, I tried to apologise but I alr hurt him uh..

What I did not expect was a whole lot of personal attack that came after, when I simply told him I am not physically attracted to him - but it did help me see clearer why I felt off around him too - with the way he reacted, I was afraid of hurting him if I did not feel the same way for him, so my body was always in anxious mode.

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Do keep in mind that we are all multi-layered humans, we can be complex and contradictory, there certainly is a spectrum as to how emotionally available you are and certain things that could trigger you or make you wanna run away, totally normal.

sooo Yea im taking a break now, I’m a bit scared to date now lols after all that.

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💫Here are the signs! (Or patterns that I noticed)💫

1. They connect with you intensely at first and then it fizzles out by the 2nd month mark

Intense connection =/ Compatibility

I realised Guy A and B truama dumped on me a lot, I mean I’m okay with listening because I’m sure that’s what makes them who they are today but when I’m not asking for it, sometimes its overwhelming.. Guy A would go on and on about his truamas till 3am constantly when I told him I needed to sleep, but I felt bad stopping him since I thought he was being vulnerable with me. But no he wasn’t he just wanted to seek empathy from me - and if he didn’t had good intentions it could become a way of control and manipulation.

Guy B We had great and fun chats at first but when things started getting more real and we fell into a routine of meeting every week, he started withdrawing himself, being distant annnd just said he wanted to be just friends. Or maybe he just realised he didn’t like me that much, but from our chats it just reflected his lack of emotional depth to comprehend what I was going through - I was being honest to him about my healing journey, where I’m at and how I hated avoidants. He did admit he was one at the start but I still gave it a shot because I felt like we had mental chemistry and he seemed quite understanding at the start until he wasn’t.

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2. Love Bombing

- I wrote a whole post on this, go check it out~

Guy A and C told me they love me within 3 weeks of us knowing each other… When I was dating Guy A I still stupid lah I didnt think much of it, but when Guy C did it I’m like… I don’t think we connected as much for you to love me yet?? and I kinda learnt my lesson from my connection with Guy A. - Hence the bad gut feelings i guess.

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3. They can’t show up for you when you talk about how they make you feel. - especially when it is a negative emotion.

I think everyone should have a test for whether a person is emotionally available or not.

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💬 Possible tests! 💬

a. Bring up a vulnerable topic and see how they respond

Test Eg: “I’ve been feeling a bit anxious this week, just a lot on my mind lately.”

> Do they get curious, validate, or hold space? Or do they brush it off, change the topic, or get uncomfortable?

My personal exp: I held space for Guy A and B when they shared their stories, but when I shared how I felt, I was analysed, criticised and being swept under the rug for my feelings on my past experiences. I didn’t judge them, I just listened curiously and asked questions, expressed my views here and there.

I guess that was the difference that I did not realise until I stepped away from those two connections. They could not hold space for me when it comes to emotional things, they would pretend they can at the start but as time goes along the mask crumbles.

b. Ask how they handle conflict or stress

Test: “When you’re upset with someone, how do you usually deal with it?”

> Do they lean into communication, or shut down/avoid? It shows how they’d handle issues with you.

My personal exp: Guy A, B and C all relied heavily on vices (Alcohol, cigars etc.) to cope. If someone tells you they rely heavily on vices when things are difficult, it’s kind of a sign of their emotional threshold and they haven’t found any healthy ways to cope with the pain. - I’m not saying red flag them but yea it should be something you should take into consideration before getting into a relationship with them, especially if they are still doing it when you meet them.

c. Check their consistency

Test: Go a day or two without initiating contact.

> Do they reach out, show interest, follow up? Or only respond when you do all the work?

My personal exp: Guy A and B were both consistent in the first 4 weeks until they felt overwhelmed. 3 months is a good gauge to sus someone out.

d. Ask about their emotional past — gently

Test: “What did you learn from your last relationship?”

> Do they take ownership and reflect, or blame their ex and avoid accountability?

My personal exp: Guy A said all his exes were toxic, 0 accountability and 0 learnings.

Guy B didn’t really seem apologetic for what he has done to an ex, which wasn’t very nice to me tbh - he made the girl wait for him for 2 years - while they were doing all the relationship stuff…

e. Ask about their vision for love

Test: “What does a meaningful relationship look like to you?”

>Do they have an idea of what they want emotionally — or is it all physical/chaotic/uncertain?

My exp: Guy A, B and C all answered it quite well tbh, but what they say they want may not always be what they can handle to acheive that kind of relationship. They all wanted someone to grow with. (To me it feels like they are all still struggling with their egos.)

f. Express a boundary or need

Test: “I really value honesty and clear communication. That’s something important to me.”

>Are they receptive and respectful? Or do they get defensive or dismissive?

My personal exp: Guy A and B got mad at me and i got scolded when I expressed myself and how I’m feeling esp when its topics that triggers them, they seemed fine with emotional stuff at the start though :’)

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I think this post is getting kinda long so that’s all I can think of for now!

ANNND the biggest sign is if you feel unsafe, unsure and anxious always while being around them.

You deserve safe love, even when you are healing okay! Trust your gut feelings~

💗 xoxo,

Tiny 🐧

#GirlTalk #datingapp #emotionalintelligence #Relationship101 #MyPOV