Married = Not your Daughter?
I had an ex colleague who was a traditional woman with traditional values instilled in her since young. She is a local Singaporean in her mid 30s with elderly parents. I remembered her proudly telling me that she is taking care of her MIL (she had a bad leg fracture) so I told her it must have been very tough taking care of both her dad and her MIL. To which she said, "No i'm not taking care of my dad, we hired a helper for him instead." She told me her dad went for heart surgery a month prior so I thought since it was a major surgery, she probably took time off because of that.
It breaks my heart honestly that daughters in traditional Chinese families view themselves as completely/partially withdrawn from their own families after marriage. Which idiot actually deemed FEMALES unworthy of playing a part in their OWN families' lives? My ex colleague is not the only young person I know with such traditionally drilled concept after marriage. Some people are actually saying things like, "my single sister can take care of things at home now that i'm married", "I let my brother help my parents most times since I am now married." Like what the actual ****? Aren't they still your parents? Most traditional beliefs should be shoved out the window. When we asked the elderly where do concepts like these come about? They are clueless themselves, "don't know la, my grandmother used to tell me this so i just do." That's the most common answer. Fun fact, why do people say, do not cut nails at night? It's probably not because of some spirits getting attracted to it but rather, because there were no lights in the past, therefore dangerous to cut your nails since you can't see shit.
Have you heard of the story about the lamb roast? A mother cuts off the ends of the lamb and puts it in the oven. Her child asked, why do you need to cut it off? To which the mother replied, "oh your grandma does it so i did the same." So the child asked grandma why she cuts off the lamb legs, and grandma said I'm not sure, your great grandma does it so i did the same. So the child asked great grandma and she said because their oven used to be too small so they had to cut the ends of the lamb roast so it fits into the oven.
It really bothers me that traditional beliefs like these with baseless evidence destroys relationships. I know different families have their circumstances and I respect that but my perspective is for a typical functioning family with typical nucleus group. Many questions arise too, maybe they had some sort of childhood trauma, maybe they carry resentment on how they were disciplined. We all get that but the concept of daughters = spilled water just frustrates me and it is downright cruel if the daughter WANTS to be fillial towards her parents but CAN'T because she is grounded by all these rules.
I'm so lucky that my husband respects this despite coming from a traditional Chinese family. As his wife, i respect he needs to care for his parents and if need help, i'll care for them too but i will NEVER neglect my own family and will continue to care for them till i die. I do not wish for our new and young generation to carry this dangerous thought. This is a new era, time to put those unattested traditional claims out the window and into the garbage.
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Many of us grow up hearing phrases like "daughters are spilled water after marriage," meaning that daughters are expected to sever ties and responsibilities toward their birth families once they marry. From my own observations and conversations, this belief is not only outdated but deeply hurtful to both daughters and parents. In reality, marriage should not mean abandoning one's roots or turning away from the people who raised you. I have seen daughters who, despite being told these traditional ideas, continue to care for their parents lovingly. Their relationships thrive because they refuse to let baseless customs dictate their choices. On the flip side, I've also seen how these strict norms create confusion and guilt. For instance, daughters who want to help but feel trapped by cultural expectations often suffer in silence. It makes me think that perhaps these rules originated from practical reasons long forgotten—like the story about cutting lamb roast to fit an old oven—or came from generational habits without real meaning today. What really resonated with me is how my own husband, coming from a traditional family, respects the idea that caring for parents is a shared responsibility and not limited by gender or marital status. This mutual respect strengthens our family bonds and encourages open communication. Ultimately, it's about recognizing that family roles evolve, and clinging to harmful stereotypes only breeds resentment. If you or someone you know struggles with these expectations, remember: it’s okay to redefine what caring for family means to you. Choosing to love and support your parents should never be restricted by outdated customs.
I think this is slowly (but surely) changing in younger population though. My friend shared that one of the requirements that her mom asked for her wedding was that she won’t accept the guodali gifts as she is not selling her daughter.