How do I move on from here?

I've been feeling overwhelmingly anxious and thought to write a post to reach out to like-minded individuals. I've been dealing with a series of symptoms that may or may not exist.

I first had some sort of anxiousness during my teens days, mostly about public speaking and presentations but still pulled through nonetheless.

Then years later, my aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, that kinda hit me a bit so I went for annual health checks ever since. When the stool sample came back positive of blood, that was my first health anxiety episode. People who have dealt with health anxiety will tell you to stay away from googling symptoms, but I did not. I was impulsive and the intrusive thoughts never stop until i find out the answer on why I was having certain symptoms.

Then it kinda died down after i got pregnant, i did not want to carry stress or anxiety throughout my pregnancy and chose to shut off all negative thoughts, it was such a breeze, i was the happiest during that period. After my girl was born, i continued to have gut issues like heartburn/reflux, gnawing feeling in my tummy, constantly feeling like i need to put food into my tummy before it burns the shit out of my stomach. I also had ANOTHER positive blood stool test so i went ahead and did a scope for both colon and stomach. So it wasn't cancer, I had a mild chronic gastritis and that's when it hit me again, that cancer is what i'm afraid of. 'You can give me all types of diseases but not cancer', that's what my mind told me but that was a toxic thought, because no one is ever certain of anything and that I got to learn to deal with uncertainty.

The thoughts continue to haunt me whenever i have a new symptom, 'What will happen to my daughter if i die young? She will not have a mother growing up. What if she gets bullied? What will happen to my parents? Who will care for them when i'm gone?' Wow these thoughts drive me crazy at times it feels like i'm falling into a pit of darkness that never ends. I know I got to be strong for my daughter but I'm not sure if throwing these thoughts at the back of my mind will come back twice as hard. I know first hand how depression is like. My brother had severe depression 7 years ago, 2 failed suicide attempts, school withdrawal, plenty of medications. He still has his episodes but he is able to work now, which is a tremendous progress. I'm not sure if genes play a role in this but it does seem probable.

My list of symptoms continues to grow till now. ANOTHER positive for blood in stool from my recent health check. MORE heartburn, more, more and more. I'm also a clean freak, you can't step into my house if you came from outside, you gotta wear indoor shoes and wash your feet at least for 15 seconds. I also vaccum and mop every single day. Wash clothes with so much detergent, the foam just runs out of the washing machine. Wiping the dust off surfaces, arranging everything nicely, not a single hair or dirt on the floor is allowed. I just want to snap out of this chain of toxicity and say 'that's it, that's enough, have you had enough of overthinking and worrying? Do you want to let your brain control you for the rest of your life? You are in control, you take full control and responsibility of your thoughts and action, take a step at a time, don't overwhelm yourself, there's only this much you can take, life goes on, enjoy it, have fun' Sigh.

I'm also sleep deprived as my toddler wakes up with nightmares sometimes and clings to me like a Koala and a tree. I love that she finds security in me but I'm just so tired. I'm a stay home mom, probably a bad choice to begin with in terms of my mental health but I want to be present for my daughter at least for the first 5 years of her life.

Now I finally know, I have OCD, they are usually linked to health anxiety since we always want things done from our perfect perspective. I'm not properly diagnosed but i'm pretty sure it is. I don't know when it started but they all came haunting after my child was born. I hate that i'm like that and sometimes get into arguments with my family because they can't stand how clean I am and how I want things done a certain way.

I want to change and I want to know how. I'm so tired of these anxiety episodes I don't want to continue like this anymore.

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