life will never be the same again

I lost dad 19 days ago.

he went for a heart bypass, all went well and we were so hopeful. unfortunately he collapsed from a stroke just 2 days after he came home. I had to administer CPR, and I felt his ribs crack under my palms. this is something that will haunt me forever.

he slipped into coma and never woke up again. he left us 9 days later.

my brother and I camped in his ICU room for the whole 9 days.

the nights in icu were so cold. we both cancelled all of our work engagements. we told him we know he could hear us, we were here with him, we will do everything we can to support him. he collapsed at about 4.50pm, got to the hospital at 5.25pm, and i sat in a&e till 1am. my brother and i then went home for a shower before rushing back while dad got sent to icu. he had to be intubated as he could not breathe on his own. we also got to speak to the doctors.

"we can treat him so long as he wakes up"

was what we were told repeatedly for the first two days.

i had so many questions and honestly i felt like my world was crumbling. i was the only one in the family who could understand the science and the implications of whatever that was going on. it didnt help that the junior doctor in charge of dad's case was so bad at breaking bad news. she also gave a few wrong info, which made everything extra confusing. dad was also running a high fever and this was NOT updated too. i had to dig for the info myself. is this what my biomed background is for? ive always joked about how i never ever used my degree. so here we go. it is finally useful.

his reflexes were not looking good. by day 3, the doctors changed their narrative. we were told to be prepared for the worst. we were told that people with this sort of stroke generally do not wake up. we were told that this sort of stroke is fatal. we were told to consider palliative care. we were told that we could consider a one way extubation to see if he could breathe on his own.

we told ourselves to give dad some time. run a few extra tests. i had to give consent to all of those.

and they all came back with the same conclusion. that the stroke WILL kill him. the medical team turned down the ventilators to see if independent breathing could be triggered.

he could not breathe on his own. they turned the ventilators back up. they gave him meds to support his blood pressure. it was at the max dosage.

the most ironic thing was that his heart was pumping strong. it had sinus rhythm throughout, even in his final hours. towards the end, his heart kept skipping beats. in his final two days, the medical team decided to slowly wean him off his blood pressure meds. we were not told of this decision. it was just done that way and we only noticed it when we got back to the hospital after going home for a quick shower + nap. his bp went dangerously low. his ETCO2 kept going up... his vital monitors beeped so much that my brother and i could not sleep at all.

while this was happening, dad still looked rosy. his hands were still warm. he kept shitting himself. honestly, this was what told me that was very close to the end and not his vitals.

we played familiar cantopop songs, then a full day of stevie wonder's i just called to say i love you (we used to play this on repeat on road trips), then a full day of buddhist chants. we picked the modern sounding ones done in bossa nova and jazz styles. then we swapped to the serious sounding ones and kept that on.

on 5 jul at 2am, i told my brother that i cant sleep with the crazy beeps. lets go back home to take a quick shower and come back at 7am. he said okay. we told dad we were leaving. we told him we will be back really soon.

at 2.59am, the doctor called me and said he was really critical. come back now. we jumped into the car and arrived back in ktph at 2.25am. we were met with a screen full of flat lines.

the doctor told me she called his death at 3.02am. just 3 mins after she called me.

dad had already turned yellow. i still could not believe my eyes. he was still warm. how could he be gone then? he was still warm. his hands are warm. his hands feel the same as the ones that were placed on my shoulders, usually in a prideful way. this is my daughter. she is smart and independent and i never ever need to worry about her. yes i would say. i nag at you instead right? yes. yes. hahahaha. yes.

the same hands. for 9 days he could not return my grips when i held his hand by his bed side. for 9 days i desperately begged him to open his eyes and squeeze my hands. for 9 days i let friends and family come visit and encourage him to wake up. for 9 days i set aside my own emotions and comforted others. for 9 mornings i finally had quiet time to talk to him and to beg him to wake up.

and 9 days later i could only hold onto his yellowed hands. kissed it and told him thank you for fighting. for trying. i know you tried. i know. i know. i know.

we have to go on without you now. i wish things didnt have to come to that. i hate this. i hate this. i hate this.

calls were made for funeral arrangements. we didnt break the news till the sun rose. everything was a blur. everything is still a blur. i cant believe he is gone. he used to fetch me home from work almost every day. i still find myself looking out the gates to see if his in the car outside waiting for me. i still pass by his room to see if he is scrolling fb rather than go to bed. i still stay up at night trying to listen to the sound of his keys because he'd head out after sending me home, usually to drive grab to earn a bit of extra cash. ive always told him to take things easy. we're grown up now. we dont need this extra cash. the house is paid for. just enjoy your life. he went out anyway.

-

the thing that really hits me most is guilt.

i cracked his ribs and gave him pneumothorax. i am aware that a properly done cpr WILL crack ribs. and yet here i am, crying and feeling guilty. i felt the ribs crack. i heard the ribs crack. i remember looking over my shoulders over and over to see if the ambulance had already arrived. he struggled so hard to breathe. he was already unconscious. he took in a big breath and groaned while i was giving him cpr. i couldnt stop. i didnt stop. no one around me knew what to do. the emergency line told me to keep going. i remember closing my eyes and taking deep breaths myself because i cannot afford to panic. i need to make the best decisions to help dad.

did i make the best decisions? i dont know. nothing was really within my control. and i feel guilty for not having control, even though i shouldnt.

i felt guilty for saying yes to letting him go downstairs to chat with his friend. he collapsed mid chat. i had to listen to so many elders comment about this. but honestly i thought it was just a short lift ride downstairs and his friend would already be there. what could happen?

we rationalised this thought and realised that the stroke was bound to happen. he would have collapsed at home either way.

i still cannot help but feel guilty. i feel guilty for not rushing downstairs faster. i feel guilty for not knowing cpr. i feel guilty for even mildly panicking.

on the bright side, i had allowed him one small seed of durian after his lunch. i prepared all his meals post discharge. he said it was even more bland than his nuh meals after the bypass. to cheer him up i said ok to him eating durian. i felt guilty. did i cause a sugar spike? (he was diabetic) did he faint from a sugar overload? i dont know??????? but now i know. durian was the last thing he ate and he loved eating durian. i had allowed him a tiny bit of comfort and happiness. he was conscious. he enjoyed every bit of that durian.

we had also brought him out for two good meals before his bypass. i hope to remember his smiles, his satisfied expressions, and how happy he felt because we were there with him. i know the food didnt matter to him. he was happy to be with his children.

i have cried almost every single day and night since he left. the stages of grief doesnt happen chronologically. my thoughts are often jumbled. i feel exhausted every single day. in the past i used to tell him all these, and i can never do that ever again. he was my pillar. he would have listened and he would have understood how i felt. he would have told me that life is short so we must live in the moment. he would have said something like how im so independent and these things will get easier with time.

he is wrong though. things will never get easier because nothing is ever the same. we can only get used to this. i still feel my stomach drop every morning. my heart feels this strange ache that never goes away.

7/23 Edited to

... Read moreLosing a parent changes your world in ways you never expect. The experience described here deeply resonates because it captures not only the medical and emotional turmoil that comes with such a tragedy but also the complex feelings of guilt and helplessness that many face in similar circumstances. From my own experience, the days following a loved one’s passing can feel surreal and disorienting. You may find yourself grappling with questions beyond your control, wondering if different decisions might have changed the outcome. One aspect that often goes unspoken is the difficulty of navigating hospital protocols and understanding medical terminology during the crisis. Having a background in biomedical sciences, as the author does, can provide some clarity, but for many, this environment is overwhelming and confusing. The sensation of waiting by the ICU or A&E, holding onto hope while confronting the harsh realities of critical care, is indescribable. The emotional weight of performing CPR under duress is something I personally relate to. Feeling the ribs crack, while physically necessary, can induce intense guilt afterward, even though it is a standard part of resuscitation. It’s important to recognize that these actions are driven by love and desperation to save a life, not cause harm. Music or familiar sounds, like the Cantopop songs and Stevie Wonder melodies mentioned, can offer comfort and a connection that transcends the clinical atmosphere of a hospital. In many cultures, playing favorite songs or chants by the bedside is a cherished way to communicate love, presence, and encouragement. Grieving is not linear; it’s a rollercoaster of emotions, and no two people experience it the same way. Guilt, anger, exhaustion, and moments of peace all interweave. Finding small moments of joy, such as sharing a favorite food—even something as simple as durian—can be a way to honor the person’s life and create lasting memories. For anyone going through similar hardships, it’s crucial to allow yourself space to mourn and seek support from friends, family, or professionals. Remember that adjusting to a new reality after losing a loved one is a process, and while things may never be the same, healing is possible over time. Cherine’s story is a powerful reminder of the struggle many face and the strength required to continue moving forward despite the heartache.

5 comments

微玲Karen's images
微玲Karen

i lost my dad in 2019 after he suffered a heart attack. while the dr tries to do a bypass, his heart stopped for 27 mins and he didnt wake up. He was in ICU for 3 days and he passed on on 9th August. yes, National Day. So every National Day will remind me of my daddy's passing. It seems like yesterday. Even though is coming 7 years. Take your time to grief. stay strong Sister

Tricia's images
Tricia

so sorry to read about your loss. you've done your utmost best and your dad knows that too. giving you loads of hugs... grieving is a process.. don't hold it too hard to yourself too..

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63 likes

Losing 20KG in 1 year - how my body changed
I want to share my weight loss experience. I have always struggle with my weight, and it’s something that really put me in a very dark place. I grew up in a condominium and all the kids will always make fun of my size. All sorts of comments you can think were said right in my face. Even up to junio
nana

nana

1040 likes

A LETTER TO ANYONE GG THRU A BREAKUP RN 💌
hello everyone! i guess you could say this is a part 2 of my previous post break-up post - getting thru my 7 year rs breakup 🥺 in the previous post i mainly talked abt what i did to heal from the break up so in this post i'll be focusing more on not shutting urself out & opening yourself
나훤인 ♡

나훤인 ♡

67 likes

How it feels to miss someone 🤍
This isn’t a sad story. It’s probably a story of me being in a bad mood, hormonal and pmsing 🫣… I basically needed a rant session so I came on here after being non-existent for awhile. 👀 Yesterday night, I was bawling my eyes out. Just uncontrollably sobbing, rationality and logic just cldnt
Miz

Miz

75 likes

1st June will likely be a day I won’t forget. 🥹
Heyyy SGFC Fam, Happy Sunday! I didn’t even realize it was 1st June - until my phone prompted me to re-login to my work email. That’s when i realized my access to email have been removed. I’m officially out of work. 😅 Just a few days ago, someone asked me: “How do you know if you’re a
SGfirecouple

SGfirecouple

65 likes

The Truth About Living Alone
Growing up in an unstable home, I learned to be independent long before most people my age. At 17, I was forced out, moving from one relative’s place to another — never staying long enough to feel settled. That didn’t last either. And at 22, with nowhere left to go, I finally began living on my own
Hazel Danielle

Hazel Danielle

110 likes

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