I Wish Someone Told Me This Earlier About Sex 💋

good sex usually comes long after lessons learned the hard way. so in the hope of saving you some heartbreak - and some awkwardness - i’m telling you (mostly) everything i wish i knew about sex before i started!

1️⃣ don’t let anyone talk you into it

if he has to talk you into it then a) you don’t really want to and b) he doesn’t really care about you or respect you. anyone who wants to have sex with you and cares about you would want *you* to really want to have sex with them too!

2️⃣ the best sex is compounded

meaning that the more you have sex with the same person, the better it gets. if you both care about each other and want to make each other feel good, over time you can explore and discover and communicate to make sex incredible.

3️⃣ good sex depends on good communication

if you and your partner aren’t comfortable expressing what feels good and what doesn’t (during *and* after) the sex will always be mediocre at best. getting specific, personal, and excited about what you want from each other sexually opens the doors to genuine intimacy and pleasure.

4️⃣ teaching moments can be sexy too

if you’ve ever been in bed with someone and they’re just not making you feel good, doing too much or too little of something, etc, you know how awkward it can feel and how quickly it can kill the mood on your end. but this is only the case if you don’t speak up! take the opportunity to *show* your partner what you want from them. demonstrate what you want from them on yourself, guide their hands/body, instruct them - teach them how to make you feel good. not only can that heat things up for both of you, but you both get more pleasure and comfort from the connection and intimacy

5️⃣ consent can ALWAYS be revoked

sex should always be a mutually enjoyable and desired experience. if at ANY point you don’t want to continue, you 110% have the right to speak up. please don’t let guilt, shame, fear, embarrassment, or awkwardness keep you from setting clear boundaries. if you want it to stop, say so.

6️⃣ the right partner is more important than chemistry

obviously chemistry is real. but it’s only really *needed* for short term hookups where intimacy will be absent. should you be attracted to your partner? of course! but sleeping with someone who genuinely knows you, appreciates you, wants to make you feel good, and is willing to explore/be connected with you is infinitely more important for having good sex. real chemistry comes from connection.

7️⃣ don’t fake anything! just don’t

that means noises, enjoyment, and orgasms. for so many reasons, all of which are intertwined with why we fake things to begin with. when you fake anything in bed, you’re doing one or more of 4 things: (1) setting yourself up to maintain a standard that isn’t real (2) catering to his ego (3) trying to protect yourself from the vulnerability of experiencing sex exactly as it is by making it look like how you’ve been shown it should be (4) preventing your partner from learning what actually makes you feel good/how you really are in bed because you think that’s how you “should” look, sound, be, etc.

8️⃣ good sex isn’t about how much pleasure you get out of it, it’s about how close it makes you feel to your partner (and the giddy, giggly joy of real intimacy)

if you’re having sex with someone you wouldn’t want to be close with (or can’t be close with) the sex is never going to be that great - even if you think it is because you don’t have good sex to compare it to. if you’re just wanting to get off/feel good, it’s better to do it by yourself!

9️⃣ learn what feels good by yourself, first

explore your own body, what feels good and what doesn’t. this will help you feel more confident, understand and communicate what you want from your partner, and take agency during sex.

🔟 you can’t replace emotional connection with sex

in other words, sleeping with someone won’t make you feel closer to them unless you already have a connection. physical intimacy isn’t a replacement for emotional intimacy - it won’t fill the gaps in a relationship, or be the reason you get into one.

1️⃣1️⃣ sex is like any other pleasure - it can be used to distract ourselves/escape

but even though it feels good in the moment, it’ll be over pretty quickly. and you’re left with the same problems, thoughts, situations, and feelings. when you use sex as an escape, you’re really using the other person (and your own body) which is unkind and unhelpful to everyone involved. learn to sit with discomfort before you jump into bed.

1️⃣2️⃣ if you’re 15-19 having sex with someone 4+ years older than you, don’t

i promise that once you’re their age you’ll understand why. you might you’re mature enough to sleep with older guys, think they really care about you, or that it’s cool to sleep with someone older. speaking from experience, i promise you none of that is true. from ages 15-19, two years is more than enough of an age gap! you’ll thank yourself later 🫶

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