Dating avoidant men

helo to whoever thats reading,

wHy am I writing this you may be wondering. Honestly to remind myself also 🫠 to stop putting up with stupid behaviours and to make sure my needs are met If I ever get into a relationship. (See Dating report #4)

Not gonna talk about physically abusive toxic rs though, please seek help if its to that extend.

I wrote about my avoidant ex + emotional abuse here.

BuT i will be mainly be talking about the avoidant attachment style. - Its not to the extend of abusive but your needs are simply not met.

---

I was watching a psych documentary on youtube about attachment styles and relationships, about how secure people react to breadcrumbing. The presenter said one thing that woke me up hahah, secure people simply don't put up with that, they just walk away.

Also stumbled upon an IG reel about a man talking about how boys would never give you what you want, and you can't keep staying for potential. Loads of people in the comment section commenting how the guys they were with did not change even when kids were involved.... so if you think someone isn't treating you right, the simple answer is:

They simply don't want to, because you give them everything they need without having to work for it.

Whether its $$, sex, idk ego stroking whatever boys want nowadays, if they don't have to do anything to get it, they would simply not do anything.

When I say boys I simply mean men that do not want to provide and give you what you need, age is just a number.

IF you get with an actual good secure man... he would do everything you deserve and make sure your needs are met without you having to ask for it.

-----

If you read my previous Dating report #4

I thought I found someone lol but as we progressed and had a fight. He reminded me of all the things I put up with in the last 2 guys I dated. AND It just feels like the universe is giving me repeated problems to make sure I learn my lessons hahaha.. To not put up with men that can't meet my needs, no matter how charming ,good looking or good natured they seemed. I kept attracting emotionally unavailable people == sometimes they don't even know they are unavailable. They will say oh I want a serious rs but they are a baby when it comes to handling emotions.

Avoidant men always put on a mask first annnd then they explode when resentment builds up oR when you try to bring up your needs.

These happens because they don't know how to express themselves annd they also do not know how to emotionally regulate themselves when shit hits the fence.

I KnOw some of you would be like but what if they can learn and change with love.

I tried in a 1 year rs and believe me it wasn't worth it. I got truamatised instead.

You can't fix someone that doesn't want to fix themselves, they will just end up breaking you.

A lot of times I know its issues that were caused by their childhood, but understanding them doesn't mean you deserve less. It doesn't mean you can ignore your own needs.

You are not responsible for someone elses emotions and truama.

SOOO if any of you find these behaviours familiar, please just leave the situation, or you can try talking to them about what you learnt... but 80% of the time avoidants are too self sufficient to even want to change any part of themselves. There is usually no growth with this group of people because they hate any form of discomfort.

👺To those that identify with these behaviours, go read up on secure attachment style, how to emotionally regulate yourself and how to communicate conflicts. You guys are adults now, you can't keep letting your hurt inner childs take over and ruin your relationships. Don't blame your behaviour on someone else or any past hurtful experiences, take charge of your own life and learn from those situations.

👾 I came from a disorganized attachment > anxious style to now secure sooo it is possible!! It just takes a lot of discipline, journalling, self-awareness and maybe some therapy to work through it! - AlSo learning how to sit alone and enjoy my own company.

Thank you for reading till here~ 💗❤️‍🩹❤️

10 Signs you have an avoidant attachment style

-wfla.com

#relationship #RealTalk #psychology #attachmentstyles #boundariesmatter #toxicrelationship #BeReal

2025/6/6 Edited to

... Read moreIf you find yourself repeatedly attracted to avoidant men, it can feel confusing and exhausting. From my experience, the push-pull cycle often leaves you feeling undervalued and questioning your worth. Avoidant men tend to withdraw emotionally when things get too close, not because they don't care, but because emotional intimacy feels uncomfortable or overwhelming for them. The key, I've learned, is not to take their distance personally. These men often struggle with expressing feelings or managing their own emotional needs due to their attachment style. However, this doesn’t mean you should suppress your own needs or tolerate behaviors that hurt you. A healthy relationship requires both partners to communicate openly and to meet each other's emotional needs. Avoidant men who are unwilling to work on their emotional regulation or who react defensively when vulnerabilities come up are unlikely to change without significant self-awareness and effort. In my case, I tried to nurture and support, hoping love would heal the wounds, but I ended up traumatized instead. If you recognize yourself in this cycle, it’s important to reflect on your boundaries and decide what you truly deserve. It helped me to focus on becoming secure in myself—journalling, therapy, and learning to enjoy my own company were pivotal steps. Since avoidant behavior often roots back to past trauma, it can be tempting to feel responsible for "fixing" your partner, but remember, you are not responsible for their emotional healing. For those who identify with avoidant tendencies, consider exploring secure attachment practices: learning emotional regulation, effective communication, and conflict management. Change is possible, but it takes dedication and willingness to face discomfort. Ultimately, recognizing avoidant patterns in dating is the first step toward healthier connections—ones where your needs matter as much as your partner’s.

16 comments

sushi's images
sushi

how did you change from anxious to secure attachment? do you have any tips?🥺

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Mahi's images
Mahi

came here after reading the dating report #4 and GOD i can relate so so much. i too have been reading about attachment styles and finding ways to date without compromising my actual self so its rly comforting to find someone in a similar boat. you’re worthy of love and i hope u get the secure man you truly deserve ❤️

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